INSPIRING LOVE (Part One—What Women Want)

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“You can never receive what you have never given. Give a perfect love and
you will receive a perfect love…give a perfect, unselfish love,
demanding nothing in return. Do not criticize or condemn, and
bless (the person whom you are loving).”
--Florence Schovel Shinn in her book The Complete Writings for Women

 

With Valentine’s Day upon us, it’s uplifting to take the time to recognize the love within and around us. Yet, more importantly, I’ve noticed a greater and deeper appreciation everywhere for love during these challenging, transitional times.

For this reason, I’ve gone the extra mile and written perhaps the longest newsletter I will ever write, collaborating with many others to share insights on love. In doing so, I hope to inspire, teach and connect us to offset the many fears being projected in the media.

We each have the power within us to choose love over fear every moment. And, despite stories to the contrary, there is continual evidence in each moment of our desire to live in love, share love, and learn how to love unconditionally.

In my many business conversations of late--and even during normal errands such as grocery shopping-- people have been kinder, more open and honest about how they are dealing with life. There is a softness to our interactions, versus the harder competitive edge I witnessed in more visibly prosperous times. I attribute the shift to a knowing that we’re all part of the same journey, and that previous notions of “separateness” no longer serve our highest good. People appear to be trying to help one another more.

Even in pondering this newsletter for months before it was written, I was guided to research and write about what makes love tick, versus how some of us are doing it “wrong.” While there are some gender and even personality differences that challenge the best of us, men and women basically want the same thing: to love and be loved unconditionally.

However, some of us approach attaining and maintaining that love differently. In this issue, I asked women to share what they want from men. In the following month’s March newsletter, I will be sharing with readers what men want from women in relationship.

I began with the female gender given that, according to the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, two-thirds of divorces are initiated by women. If women are the more dissatisfied group, I wanted to understand and share their perceptions and needs so we could all become more aware and empowered to change these statistics.

Paradoxically, and despite the negative and misleading title of his book, “It’s (Mostly) His Fault,” author Robert Mark Alter begins his teaching with this quote by Hecaton of Rhodes: “I will reveal to you a love potion — without medicine, without herbs, without magic: If you want to be loved, then love.”

Alter, a well-respected therapist and marriage counselor in the Boston area, then proceeds to teach men in language for the male gender how to be more attentive in love—which is the number one complaint uttered by the many women I interviewed as well as those I coach.

His premise, written on the inside jacket cover, is that most men, deep in their hearts, want to be great husbands, but don’t know how. He then guides men on specific ways to relate to women.

While his suggestions are in sync with the many insights shared by women I interviewed, I’d like to note another observation, which I’ll discuss in more detail in my March newsletter: Women, many conditioned from birth to be givers and nurture others, must also learn to receive love from the men in their lives. They can do so by acknowledging, appreciating and praising men, most of whom, want to please us.

Men’s styles may simply be different (for more details, try reading "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman). For example, being a writer, I “hear” love best through words, although some men who cared for me expressed their affection through service, like driving me to visit my ailing mother when I was distraught. I was extremely grateful for the kindness from the men in my life at the time, but I would have felt even more connected had they told me directly in words they were sorry I was sad about my mother’s fragile health.

Learning to be more loving is a two-way street.

Here are some fun ways to rewire the brain for love and romance. Guys, if you haven’t wanted to watch “chick flicks,” you might benefit from seeing a few as light as Pretty Woman and The Wedding Date, which make even the most liberated women’s hearts beat a few extra beats, to the more poignant The Notebook, which shows love evolving over a long-term marriage. Seeing and visualizing courting behavior is one way to begin manifesting more romance in your life.

Another way of learning to be more loving is by reading. “The Book of Love” by Daphne Rose Kingma, an Oprah-renowned therapist, is one of the simplest guides to healthy relationships that I’ve ever read. David Deida’s “The Way of the Superior Man” is another guide that teaches men what women want at a deeper level of intimacy.

Now, I invite all the males out there, to respond in kind and send back to me their suggestions of how women can better support men in love. You may call me at 978-887-1911 or send an email. You can choose to use your name or be anonymous.

The goal of this two-part newsletter is to inspire us all to embrace love, and to appreciate and nurture its many gifts when offered.

Let’s continue to teach one another how to express our innate loving natures so we can model healthy relationships and create a new world for our children where love and hope abound.

Happy Valentine’s Day and beyond…may you find ways every day to express your love to the world and keep your hearts open to all that love that is ever present around you and within you.

Gail