INSPIRING LOVE (Part Two —What Men Want)

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"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers
within yourself that you have built against it.” –The Course in Miracles.

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Men want women to see, hear, know and love them. And, they are as tender, loving, vulnerable and caring as many women are perceived to be when given a safe environment in which to express their emotions, according to leading experts in male psychology.

Equally important, and despite popular self-help books to the contrary, men and women are much more alike psychologically than different, says Christopher Blazina, Ph.D., author of the recently released book called “The Secret Lives of Men…What Men Want You To Know About Love, Sex, and Relationships.” Blazina also has published more than 25 scholarly articles about the psychology of men and masculinity. To check out his work, visit his website.

“We’re different genders, but we’re from the same species,” he remarked in a recent radio interview. “There’s a way to make a connection and create a bridge when we come to a difficult aspect of a relationship. The truth is neither gender has a monopoly on emotions. It is not ‘a man thing’ or ‘a woman thing.’ It’s a human thing. Everyone is entitled to the full Crayola box of emotions, although many men have been conditioned to express only two, sex and aggression.”

This conditioning happens when young boys are taught to suppress the rest of their feelings as part of “male-making.” Blazina claims there are TEN COMMANDMENTS (or false beliefs in the words of my coaching style) of being a man that little boys are taught to abide by. In the process of adapting these behaviors or beliefs, many males inadvertently leave parts of themselves behind, including any emotions erroneously viewed as “feminine” when in fact they are all human emotions. He believes, to live authentically, men need to learn to dismantle these “rules” and find their own “rugged individuality” as males. “There is not a one-size fit all model for males as these commandments lead one to believe,” Blazina stresses.

“When a man shuts down emotionally, he may experience a false sense of being stronger, but what has really happened is that he has become numb to the emotional sensations that are a natural part of being human,” Blazina says. “Being strong has little to do with not feeling. Instead of not feeling, a man can learn to reengage with his emotions and body, but this takes time.”

Helping a man explore and expand that individuality takes compassion and patience. “When the love of a man’s life asks him to be more open and to share his feelings, she is asking him to go against the very grain of what he has been taught about being a man,” Blazina explains. “She is inviting him into her ‘realm,’ that of the feminine. It is hard to appreciate the difficulty of this from a man’s perspective, after he has spent so many years training himself to gain distance from all things feminine.”

Therapist Daphne Rose Kingma agrees. In her book, “The Men We Never Knew…How to Deepen Your Relationship with the Man You Love,” Kingma writes, “Patience is the tool of the day. You have to open the avenues to feelings very gently so that men taking these emotional risks won’t have to be so afraid. Don’t push, shove and demand. Create an environment of safety and then encourage men to enter it with you. This means saying such things as ‘I’d be glad to listen if you’d like to talk about it,’ or, ‘Would you be willing to tell me about it?’ If we really want the wonderful thing to happen, we’ll have to make it easy for men, make it safe and inviting. We can’t be five-star generals forcing men, already under enemy attack, out into the emotional mine-field. The entry into the verbal territory needs to be gentle and graceful.”

Blazina urges anyone — whether it be a girlfriend, wife, parent, friend, therapist, coach or other mentor --to nurture the men and boys in their lives with both “support and challenge” as “guardians.” These “guardians” provide unconditional care and strength to help men take the lid off of the tightly guarded “secret shoe box.”

This “shoebox” contains “the holy of holies” — men’s innermost feelings, thoughts and recollections which were often squelched in their early conditioning as males. “Often there are discernible events punctuating the extreme vulnerability associated with the materials in this box; he learns after a certain age that it is time to block almost everyone from access to this magical container,” Blazina says. Yet, a man builds his deepest emotional connections from sharing this private collection. “While some men may report that sex is just sex, a physical release with no emotional meaning, a man who has truly made love to a woman opens up the secret shoe box and shares a part of himself,” he claims.

While some women may dislike the thought they need to aid men in going to this next level to bring the relationship to a deeper level of intimacy and fulfillment, Blazina stresses this distinction: Women are not “mothering” the men in their lives as they would a child, and assuming additional responsibilities. Instead, women should view this role as becoming men’s “allies” by learning to listen and support in empathetic ways as men claim responsibility for bringing their authenticity forth.

Currently, with many in midlife experiencing loss-- whether through a layoff, career transition, the end of a relationship or the physical death of a loved one--men could benefit even more from the objectivity of a caring guardian.

“There does need to be someone who helps sort through the messiness of loss and difficult events,” Blazina asserts. “True, you can learn to ‘live with it,’ but that is not the same as having peace. The ‘living with it’ solution is based on the idea that time heals all wounds. Sadly, that is NOT the case. If you don’t work through the underlying loss or conflict, the only thing time does help with is your ability to distance yourself from it.”

There are two types of grown men, however, who are particularly challenged by past traumas to be more fully in relationship. They may initially present themselves as “nice guys” or lots of fun, according to Blazina.

One, he calls “Peter Pan” men, who are often charming and playful, but find being an adult “too stifling.” This type of man often wants to do what feels good without any limits or restraints. While charming, these men often have short but intense relationships because they easily replace people and cannot commit to a relationship.

The second type of emotionally challenged men, Blazina calls “Lost Boys.” These men may be physically present, but have lost their ability to feel things and are numb on the inside. Their wives and children can feel disconnected from them as a result. It’s often a long process for them to find their way back to their authenticity, Blazina says, but it can be done. Often therapy is necessary.

For other men, who are simply trying to be better lovers, partners and friends, women play a critical role. For the women who take on the sacred role of sharing with men in their healing and empowerment journeys, know the value of your presence. In the words of Kingma:

“A woman provides the light in which a man can see himself, holds the mirror in which the depth of his true image in all its intricate exquisiteness can finally be revealed. In the presence of the emotional atmosphere a woman carries within her, a man can finally gain access to the deeply emotional in himself.”

In relationship, all parties prosper when more richly connected from authenticity versus roles.

As a transitions expert, I am particularly fond of this line from Blazina’s book:

“Often the path to a more peaceful life has to be walked over and over again until the obstacles on the road can be removed. This pursuit of healing in the areas that are damaged or in need of care when properly attended to can produce unexpected flowers of wisdom and compassion.”

To greater love, respect, and connection for the all men and boys in our lives,

Gail